What To Do When You Fail

It’s been about two months since my last post, and I’m feeling a bit sheepish about it. And I do find it worth noting that the last one was written right here at the same little coffee shop in my hometown, where I’m sitting now.

And what’s happened since then?

Well, the short answer is, not a lot. I have a big propensity for productivity, but I also have a comparative inclination towards the opposite. And these past two months, to tell the truth, I’ve been oscillating between doing everything and doing nothing.

A lack of consistency may be one of the worst things for anyone whose calling is to create. The act of creation requires a certain amount of discipline, and the bigger the project, the more time it’ll take. And that’s when it becomes even more important to show up every day.

But what happens when that doesn’t happen? When I don’t show up every day, like I know I should? When I know what to do, but I don’t do it? 

I gotta be honest, I feel bit hypocritical right now. I’ve been toting the “artist lifestyle”; showing up every day, no matter what, even for just five minutes. But I can’t lie. There have been a lot of days these past couple of months that I haven’t been living up to the standard that I’ve been preaching.

This is where it can be easy to be hard on myself. To withdraw even more from the field of battle, thinking myself to have already lost. Because my worst fear is that I don’t have what it takes. If I can’t even live up to my own artistic code, well, maybe I don’t even deserve to be an artist.

But it soon becomes clear that this defeatist mindset is just more of what kept me down in the first place. Sure, there will be some days where I don’t get the five minutes in. But that doesn’t have to have any bearing on the next day. Unless I let it. And that’s up to me.

So, can this realization be reconciled with the “five minutes every day no matter what” rule? My view is, absolutely. The two don’t exclude each other. As artists and creators, we have a responsibility to apply discipline to reach our goals. And this means, showing up every day. And, if we miss a day, or two days, or a week—we can forgive ourselves, and show up now.

The impulse to self-punish can be strong. I know it is for me. And yes, I think a measure of being hard on oneself is healthy. But after a certain point (which comes sooner than one thinks), even this can be another way to hold oneself back. The important thing is to be kind to oneself and to get down to the work.

This same truth can be applied to very challenging, seemingly impossible obstacles like depression, financial difficulty, or the loss of a loved one. These things are huge monsters, and I could write a blog post about each (and I have). But they can be overcome.

Writing about this now, I can see that it’s perfectly okay (and expected) to be down for a while, when one of these wrenches gets thrown in the gears. To miss more than a few days may seem like the end of the world to someone who’s trying to make something. But it’s not.

Once I have the recognition that I’ve been down, caught up in some bad spiral or negative loop, I can then begin to take conscious action. I can observe what’s happening. I can notice the sadness, the anger, the grief, the overwhelm. And I can then, in that moment, choose to do something different. I may not be able to choose to change my immediate feelings, but I can do something—I can get moving. I can make a phone call. I can make a plan.

Everyone’s different. Some of us might need to do more little things before we can face even five minutes of practicing an instrument, or picking up a pen. Some of us might be able to get to the easel or the typewriter or the piano more quickly. It doesn’t really matter how we get there, just that we get there.

I’ll be in the studio on the first of December to record a song I wrote for my mother. I can feel myself coming out of the darkness, and my intention is to really kick it up a gear or two in anticipation of a new year. To show up every day, and to share my music and writings and wisdom consistently.

And if I fall off track? To recognize, forgive, and try again.